Jareau: The Untold Story
by jareaufan
Summary: Crackfic. Jennifer Jareau is just an average FBI Agent who enjoys world domination, "bar hopping," igloos, hosting her own "light-hearted" hidden camera prank show, and not inviting her boss to pool parties. Her latest adventure? Wal-Mart door greeting.
1. Secret Mastermind

**This story stemmed from a discussion on the Criminal Minds Wiki – JJ page. We JJ fans decided she needed more screentime. Blah blah blah. I think one of us is planning a full-on pitchfork-flaming torch army to get just that. **

**Anywho. **

**The lovely Bessie(underscore)Mae said this: "****About JJ being in charge, they've described her as the den mother or gatekeeper in articles and commentary on the dvds. Someone online said she's the secret mastermind of the BAU."**

**Secret mastermind of the BAU you say? **_**Hmph.**_** That's something I can work with.**

**- TSS (who hasn't abandoned y'all)**

It was a particularly tough day for Jennifer Jareau. The team had just gotten back from a case in Wyoming involving a signature which included the victims being painted pink. Sure, it was strange, but that's what they dealed with. The guy turned out to be a crazed escapee from the sanitarium, who thought that pigs would rule the world.

Pigs? Yup. That made her laugh when she found out. The exchange when a bit like this:

PRENTISS: So he thought his victims were albino pigs?

ROSSI: And he was restoring them of their natural color?

JJ: Seems that way.

(JJ then turned away and began laughing uncontrollably)

That was when the team wondered what exactly she did in her freetime. Did she hang out at home and watch crappy Lifetime movies? Go play Runescape with nerds at the Comic store? Stalk her favorite celebrity, then use her FBI status to say she was just following up on a threat that she had intercepted?

Now they were back at the bullpen, JJ in her office doing who-knows-what.

Hotch walked in. "We're all going to the bar in a bit? You gonna come?"

JJ shook her head and shuffled some files. "No can do. I've got some world domi-." She paused. "I've got some paperwork to do. You know follow-up?"

Hotch nodded. "I see. Hopefully you can come next time though."

JJ smiled. "I'll try. You know I practically run this place."

Hotch smiled his rare HotchSmile then left the room, shutting her away in her cozy little JareauBrand Hobbit Hole.

JJ looked back at her papers. Her grin widening a bit.

She then started laughing maniacly.

**Want to see more? Love it with a burning passion? Want me to shut up? Say so with a review. **


	2. PREGGERS!

**Due to recent spoilers, I feel a new chapter is in order. If you don't like spoilers, please don't read this chapter – because it's chock full of them. **

The BAU – sans JJ – was in the bullpen surrounding Prentiss's desk.

"Soooo. How are we going to go about this case here?" Prentiss mused as she stared at the paper on her desk.

"I have no idea. Perhaps use some sort of algorithm to figure out the next possible target?" Reid offered.

Rossi joined the group, pointing over Morgan's shoulder. "The 9 goes there."

Prentiss hurriedly scribbled down the nine on the Sudoku. "Okay, next move..."

Hotch pointed to another square. "I think a 3 goes there."

Reid smiled. "That's right!"

Suddenly JJ burst out of her office, holding what looked like a pregnancy test. "Hey guys guess what?" She exclaimed. "I'M PREGGERS!"

Prentiss looked at her quizzically. "JJ, honey, how did you do a pregnancy test in your office?"

"I don't know." JJ said as she studied the test. It said "pregnant" in clear digital readout.

"Did you have sex recently?" Prentiss asked.

"I don't know." JJ responded.

"Did you drink anything that tasted funny while you were at a biker bar?" Prentiss pressed.

The team looked at Prentiss after that one. She shrugged.

"I don't know." JJ yet again responded. "I just know the test says I'm pregnant."

"Maybe the test is lying." Prentiss offered.

"Maybe your bangs look hideous!" JJ retorted before heading back into her office, slamming the door in annoyance.


	3. So Not in the Script

**Here's a little diddy my friend and I wrote instead of listening to a lecture one day in Literature. Enjoy!**

**P.S. Just to let you know, none of these stories really continue off of each other. It's like a series of one-shots unless otherwise stated.**

**Enjoy again!**

**- TSS**

_The Real Reason Gideon Left_

Gideon walked into the BAU, holding a bundle of blankets in his arms. He was surely happy, almost overjoyed at whatever was inside. A far cry from last week when he was seeing the ghost of his dead girlfriend.

"Hey guys! Guess what happened last night?" He exclaimed.

"What?" Prentiss asked.

"I had a baby!" Gideon smiled.

Morgan looked at Gideon, perplexed. "Gideon, you're a dude."

"And you're single." Prentiss added.

Hotch entered the conversation. "And you're not a hermaphrodite."

Gideon opened the blanket to show off his pride and joy. "Oh, well then how do you explain THIS?!"

Prentiss threw up a little in her mouth, Morgan gagged.

"That." Hotch gagged. "Wasn't." He gagged again. "In the script." He composed himself. Hotch couldn't risk his trademark stoicism. "Wait. I mean Gideon, that's not a baby!"

Prentiss composed herself before reentering the conversation. "That a twelve inch long kidney stone!"

Out of nowhere Reid entered the hubbub. "Six pounds, two ounces to be exact."

Hotch hurried the group away. "Conference now."

Gideon followed close behind, but was promptly pushed back by Hotch. "Not you!"

Hotch, Prentiss, Morgan and Reid entered the conference room.

"Okay. Who thinks Gideon's going crazy?" Hotch offered.

JJ suddenly walked out into the mix. Where she came from is beyond comprehension, the door to the room was locked. "Press conference?" She asked hopefully.

Hotch gave her a stern look. "No. Get back in your closet."

JJ looked almost scared. "But there's rats in there."

Hotch snapped out of character. Oopsie daisy. Thomas Gibson's in the house. "AJ! Get back in the closet!"

AJ looked at him. "But last week I wasn't."

Thomas gave her a matter-of-fact look. "That's because JJ fans complained you weren't getting enough screentime. Who woulda thunk it? You have fans." He looked off screen. "We rolling still?" He paused. "Damn. Thought you stopped."

A cell phone rang off in the distance. Morgan answered his. "Hey Penelope."

Garcia looked up at her computer screens and adjusted her headset. "Heeeey chocolate thunder." She giggled then picked up a framed photo of him and slapped a big smooch on the glass. "Your favorite color is hunter green, your favorite smell is honey-glazed ham, you have a birthmark on your left buttcheek, and you just touched your left wrist."

Morgan quickly stopped touching his wrist. "Uh. Babygirl? I gotta go." He quickly hung up.

Meanwhile, Thomas and AJ were still going at it. Thomas switched back into character. "Alright J-J. Maybe you want to go clean that closet over there...."

"First you were yelling at me in character, then out of character, now you're in character not yelling at me?" AJ questioned.

"J-J." Hotch pressed.

AJ switched back into character. "Hot-tch."

"You know you can't do two syllables like I can. Now the closet needs cleaning. The BAU janitor didn't come yesterday." Hotch said. He threw JJ a can of pesticide. "Take this, it should get rid of the roaches."

"Then what will I eat?" JJ said, in a somewhat whiny tone.

"Dead roaches. Your own arm, I don't give a crap."

JJ sprayed the pesticide in Hotch's eyes.

"My eyes! My eyes!" Hotch yelled in pain. He took out his gun and shot it off in random directions. Everyone ducked and covered. "My eyes!"

One bullet smashed through the supposedly bulletproof glass and hit Gideon. He died. JJ got out her gun and shot Hotch in the leg to stop him. He dropped his gun, Reid grabbed it away.

JJ looked pleased. "That solves the problem. Score one for Jareau!" She then went back into the closet.


	4. Bar hopping: JJ style

**I promised sofia-lindsay a JJ/Emily fic. Here it goes.**

**Don't kill me if it sucks. I'm too young to die.**

"I'm pooped." Jennifer Jareau said to herself as she laid her head down on her desk among the massive mounds of paperwork. "It's almost like I'm pregnant or something." She then perked back up and headed out of her office to the only desk that was occupied at the moment, the desk of one SSA Emily Prentiss. "Hey Emily. You want to go to a bar with me? I just need to relax you know?"

Emily smiled. "I'm with you there." She gestured to her own desk. "Look at all that. It's crazy."

"Emily. Those are just birthday cards from your mother."

"I know! But they all have," she cringed, "puppies on them. It just shows how much she doesn't know me."

JJ grabbed her friend's arm and drug her out of her desk chair. "Come on angsty-pants! We're going to Applebee's!"

_Two Hours Later_

"Excuse me," said a man standing to the side of Emily. "You're going to need to take your friend out of here. She's disrupting the families."

"NO! You're disrupting the families!" JJ retorted, waving her glass around, some beer sloshed out.

"M'am. Will you please not do this? If you don't leave the premises I'll be forced to call the authorities." The manager was getting a bit irritated. Emily was trying to calm down JJ.

"Jennifer. Come on. We have to go now."

"NO!" JJ retorted childishly. "Show him your badge Emily! We are the authorities! Show him your badge! Come on! It's not that hard...look I'll show you."

Emily tried to take the glass from her. "JJ, come on. Stop it!" She swatted away JJ's drunken groping hand that was attempting to reach into her jeans pocket.

JJ gave up and managed to withdraw her own badge. "See Mister! Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, FBI!"

"Listen. I'll get her out of here." Emily offered to the manager as she made her final attempt at pulling drunken JJ off her barstool. Surprisingly it worked. "Come on. We're going to Chili's next."

"Chili's?" JJ asked, from her tone of voice it was nearly impossible to tell if she was being rhetorical or actually was confused.

"Yes. Chili's." Emily then helped JJ out of the restaurant and into the passenger seat of her car. "Come on. I'm taking you home."

Emily began to pull out of the parking lot and take the exit home before JJ grabbed Emily's arm. Emily was surprised and stuff. "JJ."

"You said we were going to Chili's." JJ stated.

"We're going home."

"No we're going to Chili's!" JJ pulled the steering wheel – forcing Emily to veer into the next lane.

"Fine. Chili's. Going. Now."

_One and a half hours later._

"Fine. We're leaving..." Emily stated before the manager even had the chance to speak to her about her drunken blonde friend.

"But I want to finish my margarita!"

"JJ. No. We'll go to Ruby Tuesday now."

"Ruby Tuesday?"

_Ten minutes later._

"WE'RE NOT GOING HOME PRENTISS! WE'RE GOING TO RUBY TUESDAY DAMMIT!"

_One hour later._

JJ was being dragged out of yet another restaurant chain.

_Five minutes later._

"No. We're not going to Chuck E. Cheese! They don't even serve alcohol there!"

"I know this guy, in back. He has this case of Sam Adams..."

"We are not drinking Sam Adams in the back room of a Chuck E. Cheese Jennifer!"

"TAKE A RIGHT!"

"What?"

"TAKE THE RIGHT PRENTISS OR I'LL SHANK YOU."

"Fine." Emily was a bit scared of her friend now.

_Twenty minutes later._

Emily pulled up in front a partially dodgy looking pool hall. Several motorcycles were parked out front.

_Half an hour later._

"Emmmily. I loooove your shirt." JJ said sing-songily as she held a bottle of Budweiser.

JJ had made friends with several large men, they all had tattoos. Emily had given up by now and was just attempting to ignore the blonde as she nursed her own bottle of Heineken.

"Don't you just love her shirt Darryl?" JJ turned to a somewhat heavy set bearded man to her right.

"Her shirt is nice Jennifer." Darryl answered as he knocked back a shot of Vodka.

"What if I just did this...?" JJ reached over and tore Emily's shirt off, it took Emily a few good seconds to figure it out. Several of the bikers stared on in amazement at the only two women in their midst.

JJ then hopped up out of her stool and attempted to put Emily's blouse on over top her own shirt.

"Jennifer! Give me my shirt back!" Emily pleaded, trying to take it off of the blonde.

"How about no!" JJ argued. "Not unless you kiss me!"

The bikers all smiled. "Do it Emily!"

Emily looked around the room and then shrugged. She kissed JJ.

**This is my favorite one so far. Read and review.**


	5. Jareau of the Corn

**Hope you like this story section. All grammar mistakes are mine.**

The door to Jennifer Jareau's office was closed, and hadn't opened in the last three hours. Morgan, Reid and Prentiss sat at their desks wondering what was up with their colleague.

"Maybe she fell asleep. She does work later than us." Reid suggested.

Prentiss laughed. "No. You're supposed to suggest better stuff."

"Like she escaped out the window." Morgan replied.

Reid looked at Morgan quizzically, "But there is no window in her office."

"That's exactly what makes it a good accusation." Prentiss informed Reid.

As her colleagues kept discussing her extremely long office shut-in, Jennifer Jareau was actually working, or 'playing Catchphrase' as she liked to call it. Because Jennifer Jareau didn't pick cases like everyone thought she did, it was a much more intricate process than people thought.

She threw a dart at a board marked with numbers. She then counted how many stacks of folders she had on her desk, and picked up a file in the ninth pile - then dialed the number for the Sheriff's office on the front page. "Hello, this is Special Agent Jennifer Jareau, Law Enforcement and Media Liaison of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit. I need to speak with Sheriff Donald Atkins."

The desk officer on the other end laughed. "You have a long title don't you?"

"Is that a sex joke Officer?" JJ retorted.

The Officer laughed again, "It could be. Are you a blonde?"

"Why does that matter?"

"That means you are." The Officer concluded before patching her through to Sheriff Atkins.

"Sheriff Atkins? This is Jennifer Jareau, you sent the BAU your case file for review?" JJ started as soon as the Sheriff picked up.

"Yes. I surely did Miss Jareau."

"The one where twelve bodies turned up in a cornfield?"

"Yes'm." The Sheriff confirmed.

"Well then you're an asshole. A complete and utterly stupid asshole. Those bodies were props from the remake of Children of the Corn." JJ insulted.

"Miss Jareau. They were bodies. Real bodies. There is no remake of Children of the Corn being filmed in our town."

"That's my favorite movie you ass, and if I say there's a remake happening in your city then there's a remake happening in your city! Got it?" JJ yelled.

"M'am. There's no movie. There was blood. They were identified as the missing girls from three weeks ago; and will you stop calling me an ass?"

"Well, you know what you ass?! I hope that Malachai gets you, and He Who Walks Behind The Rows, and the preacher kid."

"It's being filmed in Iowa. Not Maine."

"Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" JJ then hung up her phone and exited her office in a huff.

"What do you think that was?" Reid asked.

"Maybe sex?" Prentiss guessed.

Morgan laughed, "It was sex."

Reid looked at Prentiss and Morgan, still confused. "There was no one else in there."

**There actually is a Children of the Corn remake being filmed in Iowa. Not a coincidence. I actually didn't know there was a remake until I searched for how properly spell "Malachai."**

**Read and Review. Tell me how you liked.**


	6. IHAZANIGLOO!

**Eh, I realize this is a bit late. But I figured everyone could use some Jareau holiday season fantastical goodness. I also edited previous chapters for grammar/spelling errors and added a bit more to the "Jareau of the Corn" section.**

"JJ, are you sure this is a good idea?" Reid asked as he stood by and watched his friend stare over the edge of a fairly tall building they had snuck into. "What if we get hurt? What if we get arrested?" He was starting to wonder why he actually decided to get all bundled up in winter clothing and a ski jacket (which he hadn't worn since the Holiday Winter-Sports Fiasco of 2003) and come stand on this rooftop with his friend.

The wind blew JJ's hair in her face as she turned around, so she tucked it behind her ears and adjusted her ski cap. "This is going to be tons of fun. Haven't you ever gone snowboarding before?"

"Not since 2003 JJ. I told you that. Plus this is a rooftop."

"But it's a fun rooftop." JJ replied, grabbing a snowboard that was laying by her feet.

Reid took the snowboard from JJ and held it closely. "You're scaring me JJ."

"Ha! That just means you're a whiny little..." The blonde trailed off, distracting Reid as she grabbed the snowboard back from him. "We're going to snowboard off this roof whether you like it or not." She strapped her feet into some boots conveniently laying nearby, then into the snowboard. "I locked the door back down and swallowed the key to this place that I somehow had. So you are either going to climb, or snowboard." She then threw herself over the edge and amazingly glided across every possible surface – including birds – until she reached the ground and subsequently fell on her bottom and began making a snow angel.

"JJ can't you just barf up the key? Seriously. I don't know how you did that anyway! You told me last year that you've never snowboarded before!" Reid yelled over the edge to JJ who was making an igloo.

"I'm not bulimic Reid!" JJ replied as she made an igloo brick. "But I did watch this movie last week, and this snowboard girl kind of looked like me. Then I remembered that I was her stunt double. How freakin' cool is that?"

"JJ how the hell did you just now remember you could snowboard?"

JJ stuck her head out of the oddly now-finished igloo. "Well yesterday Prentiss and I went to a bar."

"That was a month ago."

"But it was yesterday too. Anyway, we went to a bar and we had some shots. Then she said 'What's your opinion on global warming?'" JJ replied as she started a campfire.

"JJ. That doesn't answer my perfectly reasonable and intellectual question!"

"Well it answers mine. Because then I remembered my pet dog Gary that I keep forgetting to feed."

Reid then rolled his eyes and put on a snowboard, decided it was his only way out. He threw himself over the edge, but instead of gliding on every possible object – he missed every possible object and tumbled to the ground. JJ shrugged at Reid as he attempted to get up off the ground. Right then, Hotch appeared and stared quizzically at his two co-workers.

"What are you doing at the office?" He asked JJ, helping Reid off the ground. "And in an igloo with snowboarding equipment?"

"We're at the office?" Reid asked JJ, who was quite calmly toasting marshmallows over the campfire.

"Where else would I have a key to?"

**Read and review. Happy belated holidays everyone!**


	7. William the Bloody!

**It's been awhile. But, hey, here it goes again! This oneshot is a bit more serious than the others, and you might not laugh at it, but it's still very quirky and enjoyable. I promise you that.**

"So, what are you doing this weekend Jayje?" Garcia asked her fellow blonde colleague as they sat in J.J.'s office playing the Game of Life, drinking Diet Pepsi, and eating pizza.

J.J. was supposed to be doing work, choosing the next case and all, but decided that she deserved a break – and invited the team to a pizza party in her office. Rossi "lost" his invitation, Hotch genuinely had to go see his kid, Morgan hadn't been seen in three days, Prentiss was at the hair salon getting her bangs trimmed, and Reid was having lunch with William Shatner after winning a Star Trek coloring contest. Garcia was the only one who actually RSVPed with either a "Yes" or "HELL FREAKIN' YES!" as specified by the invitation emails.

"I'm thinking of taking Henry to the pool and teaching him how to swim, or getting him a puppy, or buying him a cute little T-shirt with a cheesy saying on it." J.J. replied after adding a blue peg to her van piece with one hand and shoving a whole slice of pizza in her mouth with the other.

"Why don't you ever go anywhere with Will? All you talk about is Henry."

J.J. tore the spinner off the board and threw it at Garcia. "Don't you ever say that name again!"

"Henry?"

"No."

"Will?"

"SHUT UP!" J.J. responded, throwing the entire board at Garcia – who used a pizza box as a shield.

"What's your issue?"

"Will's gone. He disappeared last Tuesday. I haven't gone to find him, or report him missing."

"Why?"

"He left a note saying he'd gone out to get some donuts, and never came back. I think he's cheating on me." J.J. replied, tears in her eyes.

"That's serious Jayje. Have you tried calling him on his cell?"

"Yeah. It just keeps ringing. It just keeps ringing and ringing and ringing!"

"Well that means he isn't talking to a secret lover sugarplum." Garcia offered before her ringing cell phone cut into the conversation, she answered it. "Penelope Garcia with a Capital Goddess, how may I help you?"

"_Garcia?"_

"Will?" Garcia asked, glancing over at J.J. who stayed completely still in shock.

"_J.J. won't answer her phone. She locked me out of the house, then stole my keys and put bars on the windows. She won't even let me see Henry. I think she's going through some sort of post partum depression. Can you talk to her? You're her best friend, right?"_

"Yeah. I will...talk to you later." Garcia concluded before ending the call and turning to face her friend. "I just got off the phone with Will. He says you locked him out of the house, stole his keys, and then put bars on the windows."

"Yeeeeah. About that. He's a vampire, I can't let him into the house. He'll slaughter me, Henry, and the nanny." J.J. informed with an utterly straight face.

"There's no such thing as vampires honey."

"Then explain why Kevin told me he was a member of the new resistance against vampires, demons and the forces of darkness – and that he was placed into this office and given a new identity via a magic spell."

Garcia tried to speak up.

"Or why Will came up to the door of the house the other night, holding a dead body, and saying that being undead was the best thing that ever happened to him."

"Kevin is a member of an MMORPG with me, the plot is to fight against vampires, demons and the forces of darkness. His character was just accepted into a new guild, and he just upgraded via a magic spell."

Suddenly, Will's face popped up on J.J.'s computer screen via videochat – she almost fell backwards in her chair from the shock. "J.J. I said _being a dad was the best thing that ever happened to me_. And the dead body was a four-foot tall stuffed Bob the Builder for Henry."

"Ohhh. That doesn't explain why you had fangs that were dripping blood...."

"Exactly my point." Will replied, upon suddenly appearing in J.J.'s office. His face then eerily morphed into the slightly grotesque one of a demon, and fangs appeared. He snarled. "It's feedin' time Miss FBI."

The office door then fell apart revealing a petite spunky blonde lowering her leg from the impact, and Kevin armed with a mini crossbow.

"It's dusting time for you!" Kevin quipped before pressing the trigger, sending the arrow into Will's chest.

"Owww! Why do I have to be a vampire again?" Will asked, looking down at the arrow.

"CUT!" Reid yelled from behind the camera. "Because you're evil."

"And why am I Xander, why can't I be Angel or something?" Kevin asked.

"Shut up Kevin." Reid said before pointing to Rossi holding the boom mic. "You need to lower that a bit more!" He then pointed towards the blonde girl next to Kevin, "Patty, give it more umph! J.J. give it more feeling! Garcia, say your lines next time!"

"The cue cards are messed up." She replied, casting a glance at Hotch who was holding up his illegible scribble that somehow passed for words.

"What's up with your makeup anyway Will? You look like you've been on a beach, you're supposed to be undead!" Reid glared at him, then at Prentiss, who was holding a makeup kit.

"Dr. Reid, I still have an arrow in my chest." Will informed the cranky director of the short fan film while his complexion noticeably growing paler.

"Shut up. Nobody likes you anyway." Reid replied, getting up, snatching the crossbow from Kevin and shooting Will again.

"Those weren't real arrows right?" J.J. queried, panic evident on her face.

"Just like that Redskins game gave me a real chance at winning you over." Reid finished, throwing his call sheet down on the floor and storming out in a hissy fit.

DOCTOR SPENCER REID, PHD's CALL SHEET

**Dr. Spencer Reid, PhD - Director**

**Aaron Hotchner - Cue Card Holder**

**David Rossi - Boom Mic Operator**

**Emily Prentiss - Hair and Makeup Artist**

**Agent Anderson ("DeskMan") - Cameraman  
**

**Patty from Legal Affairs ... _Buffy_**

**Kevin Lynch ... _Xander_**

**William LaMontagne, Jr. ... _Evil Vampire_  
**

**Jennifer "J.J." Jareau ... _Victim__/Wife of Evil Vampire_**

**Penelope Garcia ... _Victim's Friend _**


	8. Jareau's Jokes

**It's been awhile, hasn't it? Anyway, enjoy this new one-shot. It was written shortly before the human doll case, just haven't had the opportunity to post it.**

"Alright, load 'em up boys!" The coroner said to his assistants after the victim's corpse was bagged and placed onto the gurney.

Jennifer Jareau looked at the rest of her FBI team after the gurney was loaded into the coroner's van. "That was a toughie, right?"

Morgan gave his friend a look of displeasure. "What the hell JJ? Ever since that human doll case last week you've been completely insensitive towards all of our cases."

"Well I'm waiting for the cameras."

"The what?" Reid asked, playing with the googly eyes he had glued to his cane.

"This is Candid Camera. Everything's been so weird lately. Hello! Only explanation!" JJ offered.

"What are you talking about JJ?" Prentiss asked.

"The case about the guy who was making human greeting cards? Human dolls? What's next, human presents? Stuff a Game Boy into a dead body and give it to your kids!"

"JJ please, just shut up. There's no cameras, you're just being an asshole." Rossi interjected.

"Yeah. You're lucky we haven't reported you to Strauss for a psych eval." Hotch proclaimed, agreeing with Rossi.

"What? Explain all _this _to me then!" JJ asked as her voice grew agitated.

"The Candid Camera crap. Putting laxatives in Prentiss's coffee because you thought she had the devil in her and needed to quote-unquote 'shit him out.'" Hotch offered.

"Bitch." Prentiss mumbled.

"Stealing my cane and replacing it with a carved and painted pool Noodle." Reid added as he cast a loving glance down at his cane whom he had affectionately named 'Docktah OctoSpock.'

"Stealing my gun and replacing it with a SoftAir pellet gun." Morgan exclaimed. "That seriously dented my ego! I pulled the trigger on an UnSub and he laughed at me. He LAUGHED at me! I'm the rough-and-tumble tackle guy! He could have killed me!"

JJ started laughing. "You're all on Jareau's Jokes." She motioned towards the bushes and a camera crew popped out. "It's my new light-hearted hidden camera prank show on NBC."

"Are you shitting me?" Prentiss asked, perplexed by how they never realized there was a camera crew, and pissed off about the whole situation.

"No, but you're shitting yourself." JJ retorted.


	9. I'll show you a date!

**I'm taking the suggestion from kgoodw. Here's JJ and Reid at the Redskins game! I know next to nothing about football, so excuse me if I get the facts wrong.**

"Hey JJ." Reid said, sliding into the seat next to JJ on the BAU jet. "So, I've got these tickets. They're for a football game." He whipped the tickets out of his messenger bag. The intention was for it to look suave and grand, but he ended up dropping the tickets on the floor.

JJ reached down and retrieved the tickets. "The Redskins? No flippin' way Reid! How'd you score these puppies?"

"I know a guy who knows a guy."

"What?"

"I know the quarterback. Went to high school with him. He got me these tickets." Reid examined the slips of paper. "Box seats. They're box seats."

"I'll go with you. I've always wanted to meet Jason Campbell."

"Sweet." He looked down at the tickets again. "I'll pick you up at six."

_Later, game time._

Reid held a bucket of popcorn in his hands, eating it kernel by kernel like a gerbil, he looked extremely out of place among the rest of the spectators. He _was _dressed in his typical sweater vest, cardigan, khaki pants attire.

JJ meanwhile was decked out in full Redskins gear. Redskins t-shirt, Redskins sweatpants, Redskins socks, Redskins hat, Redskins thong, Redskins flipflops, Redskins gun holster, and Redskins sweatshirt. He held a Redskins mug of beer in one hand as they made their way up to the box seats. "Come on Reid! Show some team spirit! Cheer on your buddy!"

They showed their tickets at the door and were let into the box.

_A few minutes later._

"WOOOO! GO REDSKINS! TOUCHDOWN! WOOO!" JJ exclaimed, beer sloshing out of her mug – which had already been refilled six times within a span of fifteen minutes. "TOUCH FREAKIN' DOWN!"

Reid just continued to munch on his popcorn like a gerbil. "JJ please. This is supposed to be a date. Gideon said so."

"A DATE?" JJ asked loudly, and drunkenly. "A DATE? I'LL SHOW YOU A DATE!"

With that, JJ climbed got out of her seat and climbed over the railing. Dropping down into the level below, she continued the task - much to the chagrin of the rest of the crowd – until she reached the field. She ran out into the middle during the halftime event and stole the microphone. She pointed up to Reid in the box. "SEE THAT SQUIRREL UP THERE? HE THINKS I'M ON A DATE WITH HIM! ISN'T THAT JUST HILARIOUS?"


	10. In the Pool

**I am upset about the recent news regarding A.J. and Paget. I wish they could simply be on the show forever, and ever. However, that just isn't how the world works. I hope JJ gets a good sendoff in her final two episodes, and that Prentiss gets an equally amazing storyline during the upcoming Season Six (her last). **

**I also have to say that, no matter what happens to the show, I'll try to continue this fic as long as I possibly can.**

_**(This is a reposted version of the chapter in order to make it more canonical. When I originally wrote this, Beth Griffith was the canonical name of the FBI Director, who was supposed to be portrayed by Mary Steenburgen in 5x18 "The Fight." For reasons unknown, all of her scenes were reshot with Jayne Atkinson as Section Chief Strauss – and for CM: Suspect Behavior the character was transformed into Jack Fickler (Richard Schiff), and the name was used for Janeane Garofalo's character instead.)**_

"Miss Garcia, tell Agent Jareau and Agent Prentiss, I need to see them in my office. Now." FBI Director Jack Fickler sounded after Garcia pressed the speakerphone button on JJ's phone. JJ had made her answer it after she realized who it probably was.

"Are you sure we can't push this to like tomorrow…or never?" Prentiss asked as JJ hid behind Garcia, who was sitting in JJ's desk chair.

"Now Agent Prentiss. Tell Agent Jareau to get up off the damn floor and stop hiding under her desk." Director Fickler commanded.

JJ immediately eased her way out from her new hiding place under the desk, knocking Garcia out of the desk chair. "We'll be right there Director."

Ten minutes later, after stopping for some Chex Mix in the FBI cafeteria, JJ and Prentiss made their way into the office of Director Fickler, and took their seats across the desk from the balding man.

"You know what you're here for, right Agents?" Director Fickler handed JJ a glass bowl filled with hard candy. "Werther's?"

JJ reached for the caramel candy, but her hand was immediately swatted back by Prentiss. "No JJ."

"Okay Director. We're negotiating. Have at it!" JJ exclaimed, pulling a bag of Chex Mix out of her pocket and nibbing on the pretzel pieces. "Woah, woah, woah. Wait up now." JJ then dropped the bag on the Director's desk, causing Chex to spill out of the bag and onto the Director's lap. "It was just a LITTLE fire. No one was injured. It was just for fun, a FUN fire!"

The Director and Prentiss shook their heads in shame.

"This isn't about the bathroom you set on fire last week. This is about the pool party you decided to have in the middle of the lobby last Saturday."

"Pool party?" JJ rhetorically asked, hoping the Director would suddenly forget.

Prentiss turned to JJ. "Dammit Jayje! We just had to have that damn pool party!"

"Oh. _That _pool party!" JJ said, smacking her forehead. "We meant to invite you Director. We just didn't think it was your scene, and Em said you would look terrible in swim trunks, and she didn't want you trying to rock a Speedo either."

"Agent Prentiss?" Fickler turned towards the woman in question.

"Yes Director?"

"Please go wait in my waiting room. I'll talk to you separately."

"Yes sir." Prentiss replied, getting up and exiting the office.

Fickler then looked at JJ, his eyes almost baring a hole through the blonde Agent's skull. "Agent Jareau, I'm giving you one more chance to come clean."

"I did nothing Director. Nothing. Except for the fire. I _did _do that."

Fickler sighed. "Besides renting a huge blow-up pool and placing in the lobby of the FBI Academy, and inviting the trainees to come party '_wit da B-A-to-the-izzu'_, you also urinated in said pool."

"Wait. So you don't care about arson, placing a gigantic blow-up pool in the Academy lobby, or me spilling Chex Mix on your lap, but you care about me _peeing in a pool_? Come on Director!"

"I'm sorry Agent Jareau, I can't have such unsanitary behavior happening within my Agency. In two days, you're fired. Consider it a courtesy that I'm giving you time to clean out your office and say your goodbyes. Send Agent Prentiss in on your way out."

_**Fifteen Minutes Later**_

As JJ was starting to clean out her office, Prentiss hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Can you believe he fired me, and told me I have two extra days? I'd rather just leave now, two days just makes it painful."

Prentiss placed a hand on JJ's shoulder. "About that. You might want to sit down."

"No. No. I can feel what coming on. I'd rather stand for this crap."

"He didn't fire me."

"WHAT?"

"He just took away my paid vacation."

"Emily. Out."

"What?"

"Get out."

"Okay. I'm bisexual."

"Get out of my office. I don't want to talk to you again. You went skinnydipping, and I was fired over a natural bodily function. Stop announcing your sexuality and get the hell out of my office."


	11. Don't Call It a Comeback

**You all probably thought you would never see another update…Am I right? Well, here it goes folks.**

**This hasn't been proofread. So any mistakes are mine…and possibly intentional.**

Jennifer Jareau should have had many job opportunities open to her after being fired by Director Fickler, but for some strange reason – despite her experience and education - she wasn't having any luck.

The PR firm she applied to rejected her application citing that they wouldn't hire anyone who wrote their resume in magic marker. She vaguely remembered cussing out the head of HR for "not understanding that she wasn't allowed to have permanent inks in the house and it wasn't her fault that she enjoyed drawing on the walls every once in a while."

The local police department told her that they weren't looking for any new officers, and when she tried to show them her boobs - on the off chance that it would sway their decision in her favor – the division Captain threatened to throw her in jail for indecent exposure. Her comeback for that one was far less complex, involving her ripping off her shirt and exposing her bra. "My boobs are more than decent! See?" She was in the process of unhooking said bra when she was handcuffed and taken to the holding cells for forty-eight hours.

So rather than being caught at either of those workplaces, she was caught standing at the door to the local Wal-Mart, dressed in the associates uniform of khaki pants and a blue shirt when FBI Director Jack Fickler approached her.

"Hello, welcome to Wal-Ma….Hey! It's you." The blonde snapped her fingers, making a show of trying to remember the older man's name. After about thirty seconds, she stopped the ridiculous noisemaking. "You're that Director bitch who fired me for peeing!"

On any other day Director Fickler would not have stood for being talked to in such a manner, but these were pressing times. Instead, he plastered on a convincing fake smile and looked down at his former employee's name badge. "I see you're enjoying a fruitful career as a door greeter Miss Jareau."

"What do you want bitch?" JJ responded, tapping her foot in annoyance.

"I want you to return to the Bureau. We need you." He sighed. "Your old team is in shambles. Agent Hotchner has entered a beard-growing contest, Agent Rossi got married to a dead car battery, Dr. Reid built a brick-wall around his desk, Agent Morgan tried to get drunk while on the job…by consuming five gallons of apple juice, Agent Prentiss has refused to speak in anything but Gwen Stefani lyrics, and Miss Garcia is currently attempting to revive the reality television show 'Kid Nation.' We believe your…_unconventional_ methods of dealing with the job will help bring them back to their former glory."

JJ scoffed. "Oh really? How do you know I'm not perfectly happy here? You know, I might _love_ checking receipts, smiling at random people and making sure those asshats at the registers deactivate the anti-theft tags. Which I do. I love it. I love all of this."

"Miss Jareau, I know you're lying."

"Prove it."

"First of all I was a profiler long before you even thought about joining the Bureau. Second of all, you wrote '_screw Wallyworld'_ on your arm in red magic marker."

JJ lifted her arm, sure enough the incriminating evidence was in plain view. She was sure her supervisor would have noticed it by now, as she had actually been scrawling the words there every morning for the past few months she had been working at the establishment. _'That damn incompetent fool, I could do his job a million times better,' _she thought before turning her attention back towards Fickler. "Indeed I do. Go on."

"I also know they're only paying you about eight dollars and forty cents an hour."

"That may or may not be true."

"Just please come back to the Bureau Miss Jareau."

JJ pretended to mull the offer for a few very long minutes before returning to the situation at hand. "I'll return, on one condition."

"Name it, anything."

"Well, that one condition is that I get twenty conditions. To be used whenever I see fit."

Director Fickler sighed. "Not my ideal situation, but I can work with it."

"I'm using my first condition now…" JJ responded, drawing out the moment.

"Just say it Miss Jareau."

A mischievous smirk made its way onto JJ's face. "I want a Marvel vs. Capcom arcade machine in my office before I return."

Director Fickler nodded. "Fine. I can do that."

"I'm also using my second condition…I'm returning to the job in forty-five minutes." JJ then left her post and started back towards the break room to retrieve her belongings and quit her job working at the discount hell-hole. "If you don't get the machine in my office by then I'm going to steal your car…and leave you down an agent."

Somehow when JJ returned to her office in exactly forty-five minutes, a genuine Marvel vs. Capcom machine was waiting for her – wrapped in a large green ribbon and topped with a bow. She pushed the hulking item to the side wall, plugged it in, ripped off the ribbon and began to play.

"Just wait until I get to my other eighteen conditions…."


End file.
